JLM Audio, in Australia, makes an opto-compressor 500 series kit for just under $400 (USD.)
Here is an early prototypes of the "Wooden Microphone." The inherent structural issue is revealed in the second image.
Pulp-O-Mizer. Sonanaut. Polymer jerboa. In theory, you can use stereo or mono files for "3D" sounds in FMOD. But ther...